TOWIE new series: Where we left Joey Essex, Lydia Bright and the rest

TOWIE new series: Where we left Joey Essex, Lydia Bright and the rest

It's been a whole TWO MONTHS since the last episode of TOWIE. That's so long that we've grown our hair, got bored of our Christmas presents, and totally forgotten who the hell Danni is. Seriously, we had to Google image her. Who is she? Not a sign of a good character that, TOWIE, we'll be honest.

But now TOWIE is back, and if your brain retains information like ours (what did we have for our tea last night? No clue, absolutely none. Something involving a mushroom?) then you're going to need a little refresher. Here we go, kicking off with the big news...

LYDIA BRIGHT

If you forgot this once, it's going to be a blow hearing the news twice. Sat down? Right. So Lydia has gone, and she is not coming back, unless her fashion career finishes, in which case she's definitely coming back, sometime arou nd the start of series nine, presumably at the end of an episode when we see a small manicured hand tap Arg on the shoulder and then the credits roll.

Lydia's exit scene was one of the saddest ever as she told her mate Lucy that she was leaving on a night out.

"I've still got an ex boyfriend like Arg and every time I go to events he makes my life a misery," she said, as she sobbed, but still looked lovely in her lovely make-up. "I just find it so hard all the time. I need to get away from this so he can get over me and I can move on with my life.

Obviously no-one acknowledged that Lydia wasn't actually leaving the country, she was just leaving the show, but hey - it was dramatic.

This series? There is no this series, weren't you listening? She's LEAVING.

TOM KILBEY

He left too, to be with lovely Lydia, but no-one really cared about that.

This series: There is no this series, w eren't you listening? Again? He's LEAVING...

SAM AND JOEY

Sam and Joey spent last series having some dramas we didn't understand, then intermittently talking about getting married. It was all a little odd, and involved some crying, but they are still together, and thankfully Joey didn't leave to do his reality show, as his reality show involved one dive in that god awful Splash! programme, so it would have been a bit of a waste to leave his day job for that.

It was all very angsty. No-one really knew why

 

This series? We see a marriage proposal or a baby on the horizon, and that strikes fear into our hearts. On the other hand... a Joey Essex baby! Oh imagine it, swanning around, saying 'reem' over and over in a sweet little baby voice, while it blow-dried its hair. Scrap the fear, this would be brilliant.

MARIO AND LUCY

Apart from one day when Mario was visited by Tom Fletcher from McFly, Mario and Lucy continued to have what looked like the worst relationship in the world. They even managed to have a row while alone in a pod on the London Eye, which aside from anything else, is an awfully expensive way to have a fight.

The only people who could find misery in a pod on the London Eye with a glass of champagne

This series: If we had to guess we'd say that Mario *may* text some other girls, and Lucy *may* get upset about it, and that at some point they *may* split up. Just a random hunch.

 

KIRK AND LAUREN

After Kirk made his return to the show in series 7, he and Lauren decided that after hating each other and having a really messy break-up, the logical thing to do was to try again, with some weird 'friends with benefits' arrangement that sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. We're not big fans of Kirk. DON'T DO IT LAUREN. Oh you already did it? Well don't do it again.

This series? A messy break-up, some crying at Sugar Hut, Mick putting his serious face on and asking Kirk if he wants to have a 'chat', etc etc.

 

ARG AND GEMMA

Arg and Gemma split up, and Arg felt so bad about being single and a bit porky that in the Christmas special, Mark had to come back to look aft er him. Mark's gone away again now though, so Arg will have to moan to his back-up mates; Joey and Diags. If indeed Diags is coming back this series. Surely Diags isn't coming back this series?

This series? D'you know what, both characters had become so dislikable by the end of last series that we could easily lose them both. Probably won't happen though. So we'll hazard a guess at weight loss plot lines, and a lot of 'will they-won't they'. Blah.

Alright Arg, no-one liked that Take Me Out spin-off show, but there's no need to cry about it

JESS AND RICKY

Oh, they had some problems in series seven, they had some right old problems. At one point Jess and Ricky even split up, and there were toilet tears, it was really very bad. But against all the odds (fighting/ Jess's pop career/ being in TOWIE), Ricky and Jess are still together.

This series? Either a marriage proposal or a break-up. There will be no in between, this is TOWIE for god's sake.