Made in Chelsea, series 5 episode three: Is Spencer Matthews, the worst man on the planet, homeless?

Made in Chelsea, series 5 episode three: Is Spencer Matthews, the worst man on the planet, homeless?

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Warning: Spoilers abound. And the odd rude word: Made in Chelsea is real after all, yah?

“It’s London Fashion Week today,” Lucy (who doesn’t know weeks from days â€" easy when you don’t have a job) tells Binkie, who is all set for the fashion shows, declaring “I don’t give a shit what I wear”.

But Mark Francis and Victoria are dedicated to the cause, declaring: “It’ll be work work work. Well, show after show after dinner after party after after party.” And after the after party it’s… the hotel lobby?

But stop! We don’t need to see fashion when we’ve got Lucy and Jamie’s secret kiss in Actually, Verbier, to discuss â€" something Jamie’s denying (“I think I’d remember. I think.”) and Lucy’ s just desperate to tell everyone about.

“We might have kissed in the hot tub. We have, we did! It’s weird, he was all over me. It was quite cute!” she tells Binkie, before telling Francis, and almost running to the roof of the BlueBird Café and shouting it from there too.

“I wouldn’t want my boyfriend doing that,” Lucy tells Francis. “Luckily he’s not your boyfriend,” says Francis with a resigned sigh. One that says “Am I really here, again, passing messages about my mates cheating on each other like a posh carrier pigeon on a skateboard?”

Lucy can barely wait to tell Phoebe, practically screaming: “Jamie said he loved me!” adding that he sent her texts saying he didn’t have a girlfriend. Poor Lucy! She gets legally binding text messages off a man saying they’re single â€" and she still ends up being a boyfriend stealer!

But it’s not all hot tub snogging â€" Ollie’s new girlfriend Ashley is really getting the party started over at Cheska and Ollie’s flat by rearranging their DVDs (they’re all in alphabetical order now, you’re welcome everyone) and finding gay porn.

Instead of asking who buys porn DVDs now it’s all free on the internet, Cheska gasps: “I’ve borrowed his laptop before and there’s gay porn on there too. He’s a porn watcher. That’s what boys do.”

Ashley is upset, because she doesn’t understand how Ollie can like both boys and girls. “Oh Cheska, you’re such a good friend, I don’t know what I’d do without you,” she sobs. Er, probably not be in the show, at all.

Ollie’s not exactly trying to make Ashley feel better, though â€" when she confronts him, he avoids the real issue (WHY was she tidying the DVDs?) and just laughs “Dream On Straight Boy is a classic” and that it was a joke present â€" the adult equivalent of “these are my friend's cigarettes, I’m looking after them for a friend”.

We’re not WORRIED ab out Spencer, obviously, but er, is he homeless? Proudlock and Jamie are discussing what Spencer wants when he visits them at their house, concluding that “he’ll go to the fridge first”. Um, let him have a wash in the sink too, eh boys? Spencer spends a lot of time hanging around the river (he’s probably just finished a busking shift) and finally, Louise arrives. She’s not happy, probably as she’s standing by a really cold river.

“We have drifted apart, I don’t understand how it’s happened?” Spencer asks Louise. Oh, probably just you, cheating on her, Spencer. That probably chipped away at the relationship a bit.

But don’t worry, Louise, he’s going to sugarcoat the reason he’s breaking up with you. Oh, no he’s not. “I was once in love with you and now I’m not. You’re possessive, manipulative, try to control me and I don’t want a crying girlfriend,” he rages.

Just to prove what a nice man he is, when Louise points out she won’t cry again, he screams “GOOD FOR YOU!” in her face, then delivers the final blow. “It’s fucking hard for me to respect you when you let me fucking cheat on you,” Spencer says, while laughing.

Spencer Matthews, you are the worst man on the planet and you should LEAVE IT PLEASE. Go to space. You probably have a rich mate with a spaceship.

What’s the first thing that Spencer does after the break up? Text Jamie. With two kisses on the end. And when he gets to the bar, he’s pretty quick to lie about what just happened.

“She just lost it, I didn’t say a word,” he blusters. “She tried to hit me!” Yeah, she barely swiped your arm in anger, Spencer. Anyway, he’s over it, apparently, and it’s a pity that Jamie’s got a girlfriend, they could have had some single fun! Not like that. Or maybe like that …

Well, you might not have to wait too long, Spencer, bec ause Lucy and Jamie’s sweet, lovely, no-clue-what’s going on girlfriend Tara are having what passes for a “chat” in Chelsea.

Lucy asks a series of questions in an increasingly high pitched voice, Tara mutters things like, “Fun” and “Oh, er, standard”. This seemingly simple interchange only strengthens Lucy’s resolve to get the hot-tub-truth out there, to spread the word that she kissed Jamie, to defend her boyfriend stealing title, and tell EVERYONE the message: HER AND JAMIE TOUCHED MOUTHS!

“If I’m going to keep bumping into her, I’m going to have to say something” she concludes, in what could be Made In Chelsea’s motto.

It’s Rosie’s charity party, and it’s all going to go just fine! Ok, it’s not. It was never going to be fine.

Spencer’s just casually chatting to Phoebe (and doesn’t remember meeting Olivia â€" why does no one remember poor Olivia?!) and Louise marches in. “We’re just talking, no sex or anyt hing!” blurts out Spencer, like a man who definitely hasn’t cheated. Or anything.

And it’s time for Louise to confirm all our worst fears â€" Spencer is not a sheets changer! Maybe because his dad owns a load of hotels, so he thinks the sheets just change themselves, but he’s done the worst thing of all â€" had sex with a lady who wasn’t Lucy, in Lucy’s bed, while she was away.

“You’ve REALLY SHOT YOURSELF IN THE DICK THIS TIME” she roars, really lightening the atmosphere of the charity party. “And you let me sleep in that bed with you the next night,” she adds.

Why doesn’t Spencer have his own bed? Anyone? At all?

SPOILER of the week:

Louise is headed for another very public relationship with Andy, if this little exchange is anything to go by.

Binkie: “I bet you’re thinking, how am I going to tap that?”

Andy: “You’ll just have to wait and see. Wait. And. See”

We really don’t want to see, Andy. Please don’t show us.