Made in Chelsea, episode four: Jamie, Louise and Spencer all suffer from amnesia and Stevie is Chelsea's top dog

Made in Chelsea, episode four: Jamie, Louise and Spencer all suffer from amnesia and Stevie is Chelsea's top dog

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Warning: Spoilers abound. And the odd rude word: Made in Chelsea is real after all, yah?

It’s nice this week’s episode starts on a happy note: Spencer has finally managed to find himself a bed and a sleeping partner - the man we suspect is the love of his life, Jamie.

“You’re awful to sleep with,” says Spencer, confirming what we all suspected. He’s a duvet-stealer, the worst. Well, not the worst â€" Spencer reveals he’s been sleeping with Louise recently, which technically makes her either the stupidest person ever, or she’s suffering from temporary amnesia. Weren’t they screaming in each others face’s just last week? Well, Spencer reckons they’re doing the same this week, only in a sexy way.

Jamie’s also suffering from memory loss, and is sticking to his “I was so drunk I can’t remember if I kissed Lucy in the hot tub in Actually, Verbier” defence, despite the fact Lucy’s basically hired a loud speaker and spends 21 hours a day shouting about the kiss like it’s her job.

“Most of my life this is what I have to deal with,” says Spencer.

“It’s like being put in jail for something you haven’t done,” agrees Jamie, forgetting that actually, they both DID cheat, so er … they HAVE actually done something.

Lucy, meanwhile, has run out of people to tell about her kiss with Jamie, so she’s gatecrashed Binky’s lunch with her mum. We’re not even sure if she meant to â€" maybe she was going from pub to restaurant along the Kings Road telling everyone and stumbled upon Binky and her mum.

“I love this time of day, champagne at lunchtime,” says mummy Binky, because of course that happens every day.

Lucy’s stories about Jamie get bigger and more outrageous every time she tells them: she claims that since they got back, Jamie has asked he to be his girlfriend. Even though, to t he rest of us, it seems like Jamie’s been shunning her like she’s the part of the TOWIE cast.

Good news: Stevie’s back! Stevie? Remember Stevie? He’s the one that’s not Josh. Remember? Never mind â€" just stare at Andy’s weirdly swollen face for a while instead.

“I’ve got an infection,” adds Andy. Maybe it is syphilis or gout â€" those are the poshest diseases, after all.

Anyway, Stevie’s holding the most valuable piece of information in the entire SW postcode: he was there when Spencer cheated on Louise in her bed.

The second most important piece of information is that Stevie “used to be afraid of the countryside” when he was 16. That’s ok though â€" it’s full of poor people, mud and you can’t get a decent glass of Moet anywhere. It’s a totally justified fear.

Anyway, everyone heads to the countryside, which is probably only Richmond Park. The last place in the world we’d go with Spencer Matthews is a quiet pla ce where he could bury us in the ground. Actually, Francis isn’t in this episode at all. Has anyone called his mobile?

Andy asks Fran to dinner, totally oblivious to the fact that Fran’s got her eye on a bigger prize, telling sister Olivia: “We’ve have beautiful babies â€" green eyes, big nostrils”.

They agree on drinks. Will you bring your right eye to the date Andy? Or will you still be swollen like you’ve been eating bad Botox?

Lucy and Jamie make the most of the country air to argue about if they really did kiss in that stupid hot tub. In fifty years, if we return to do a Where Are They Now: Made In Chelsea special, they’ll still be arguing about this.

Jamie doesn’t SEEM like he might have told Lucy he wants her to be his girlfriend and that he loves her, screaming: “I F****** LOVE TARA”, “ARE YOU JOKING LUCY” and “YOU ARE PLAYING THE VICTIM AS A JOKE” in her face, ending with a (quite restrained): “I’ve never disli ked anyone as much as I dislike you right now.”

So either Lucy’s full of lies, or Jamie’s mixing up posh brunette with good eyebrows Lucy with posh brunette with good eyebrows Tara, and it’s a case of mistaken identity.

Let’s go back to London: the countryside is scary and we’re worried we’ll trip over Francis’s dismembered head. Andy’s taken Fran on a date to a really nice bar … outside Chelsea!!!

“I get the impression you were a naughty girl at school” says Andy, because he knows that boarding school chat gives posh people the horn, adding: “Clever and naughty is the perfect combination”.

Fran loves it, of course, and so do we, because this is why Andy is the anti-Spencer, aka amazing. Clever and naughty is Spencer’s nightmare, because he likes stupid and easily controlled girls. Anyway, Andy’s pervy lines work, because Fran seems blind to his swollen bloodshot eye and kisses him, for a long time. Hooray!

Thereâ €™s some odd sub-plot going on, in which Ashley is upset that Ollie’s shared a bed with the totally straight and not even fit Oscar, but we got lost in Cheska’s OTT hair extensions and got confused.

Spencer’s walking the streets of London alone when he runs into Andy, and when Spenny claims that it’s “none of Louise’s business” if he slept with someone in her bed (amazing) Stevie reveals himself to be the most powerful person in Chelsea.

“I met the girl you slept with. I was there at the party. You mentioned it the next day, we discussed it,” he reminds a blank-looking Spencer.

Normally, if this were Francis or Louise or Millie telling Spencer the truth, he’d go mental, but with Stevie, he just accepts it calmly. We’re suddenly really interested in what power Stevie has over Spencer. This is AMAZING. We need more information on this please.

So, armed with his recovered memory, Spencer marches up to Louise at a party, so pleased w ith himself he’s practically wagging his tail.

“I want you to know that the rumours are true,” says Spencer, as if he’s announcing Take That have broken up. Louise is FURIOUS and poor Rosie is trapped on a sofa in between them.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me” admits Spencer, while Rosie tries to shove herself in between the sofa cushions and out of the way. But when Louise stands up for herself, Spencer acts shocked. Hello Louise, he just told the truth, and shouldn’t someone congratulate him or give him a gold star? That’s what happened at Eton, and the gold stars were literally made out of gold.

While Louise is screaming at Spencer, and he’s detailing all the sex they’ve had recently, Rosie wishing she invested less money in Birkins and more in that invisibility cloak Richard Dinan was inventing.

“Tell me we did not have sex last night, and this morning,” screams Spencer. Um, Spencer, you woke up in bed with Jamie thi s morning so we think you need to get some new contact lenses and chat to your boi.

“You are an embarrassment to social situations,” says Spencer, forgetting that he’s the one screaming at a girl in the middle of a bar. “You are a joke, a mental joke.”

We need to re-educate Chelsea on what a joke is, don’t we?

Most oddly confusing interlude of the week:

Entrepreneur Richard Dinan has invented something for Ollie. “It’s right up your street,” he says.

What, is it a DVD of Dream On Straight Boy 2? Nope, it’s a “pneumatic arm, for picking things up”.

It’s pointless, and therefore totally up Ollie’s street.