Made in Chelsea, series 5 episode two: Spencer's upset, Lucy's jealous and nobody in Chelsea can tell a joke properly

Made in Chelsea, series 5 episode two: Spencer's upset, Lucy's jealous and nobody in Chelsea can tell a joke properly

Warning: Spoilers abound. And the odd rude word: Made in Chelsea is real after all, yah?

After last week’s teary, napkin throwing showdown from Louise , we expected her to dump Spencer and not look back, but somehow, Louise is still in thrall to Chelsea’s Biggest Bastard… although she doesn’t actually turn up this episode to confirm it.

Instead, we find out that Spencer is ignoring her text messages, and also that Louise is under HER FULL NAME in his phone. In case he gets his girlfriend mixed up with all the other Louises he’s sexting.

“Wubby! Why you never reply?” she texts. Probably because you’re calling him Wubby (because Spencer’s er, chubby? Her hubby?), but also maybe because Spencer is busy storming in and out of bars, looking like an emotionally confused bear in a selection of box-fresh aviator jackets.

Meanwhile, the boi’s are moving into their new house. Hooray! Francis owns literally the clothes on his back, his teddy and two skateboards, according to the box he’s carrying, a box labeled “worldly possessions”. There’s a massive painting of Proudlock’s face in the house already, because of course there is.

Andy’s turned up to invite his fellow no-job-havers skiing. Tomorrow! And it’s a posh new ski resort we’ve never heard of.

Andy: Come skiing tomorrow!

Jamie: Actually?

Andy: Actually, Verbier.

Sounds exciting. How far is Actually from Verbier? Do we need to hire a car?

Francis points out it’s a bit short notice, but more worryingly: what will he ski ON? His teddy, his cardboard box or his skateboards?

Sound the “genuine emotion” klaxon, because Cheska and Binky accidentally cross paths, and Cheska looks like she’s about to burst into tears when Binky skips off with Lucy. Come on, sound that klaxon. Anyone? What do you mean it’ s on loan to The Secret Millionaire?

Josh, who’s suddenly reappeared from nowhere, is busy looking blank in Proudlock’s studio (of course, he’s got a job!) and is giving new Phoebe a glowing reference.

“Oh, Phoebe … we were hooking up for a while then … just stopped,” he says, looking like someone who’s trying to remember the intern’s name so he can request a cup of tea.

“I prefer having her around than not,” he finally says, unsure of who he’s talking about.

Posh agony aunt Proudlock is everyone’s shoulder to cry on this week, and Spencer is still thundering around, acting like his family don’t own a hotel chain and he’s homeless because he’s not living with his “bois”.

“Francis effectively f**ked me over, I wouldn’t do that to you or Jamie,” he tells Proudlock, forgetting about the time he slept with Jamie’s girlfriend, again. He’s also upset that Jamie has gone skiing with Francis and Andy, preten ding that just weeks ago, he wasn’t trying to ski straight into Lucy’s knickers too.

“I’m sure my invitation got lost in the post “ he sighs. It probably did, Spencer, because nobody knows where you live.

But it’s not all fun and games when they get to Actually, Verbier: Francis is really, really rubbish at skiing (which is weird, as we thought that instead of PE, the upper classes learnt to ski at school) and new trio of blondes Fran, Olivia and Phoebe aren’t on Team Lucy.

Olivia, who is literally wearing an entire dead animal round her neck (probably a unicorn fur or a white tiger) says she found messages from Lucy in her ex boyfriend’s phone. “She saved herself as Sexy Lucy,” she drones.

“That’s SO Lucy,” replies Francis.

It’s Millie and Spencer, round two, and Rosie lands probably her only good joke ever by pointing out that Spencer looks “like a chubby baker boy” in his cardi/ hat combination. Sadly for Rosie , that chubby baker boy still wants to be mates with her â€" but tells Millie “I don’t give a shit about you”, mainly because she cheated on his dearly departed (from the series) best mate Hugo, and “I don’t recall slapping you in the face” â€" although it does seem like he’d quite like to.

“Is that a joke?” Millie wonders as he walks away, as if Spencer’s hatred of her is all an elaborate piece of performance art. 

Sound the “more nakedness” klaxon (and we KNOW Made In Chelsea has one of those) because it’s Andy’s bum! Right up in our faces.

In your face

 

Why do all the bois have such smooth bums? Is there some poor beauty salon in Chelsea with a bum-Veeting service? They’re all so hairless! To be fair, Andy’s bum is better than his face: when Phoebe gets in the hot tub at the chalet, Andy’s expression is SO PERVY you would almost expect that such an expression requires signing onto some kind of register somewhere. A Debrett's kind of register, obviously. Yes.

But it’s Jamie who manages to stay in the human casserole pot/ jacuzzi longer that everyone else, so he tries to chat Phoebe up with some sexy poetry. “Just because I think you’re hot, it doesn’t mean I’m going to shag you,” he croons in Phoebe’s ear.

“You’re not,” she replies, so posh she can barely force the words out of her plummy mouth.

Later, Jamie’s still trying to make things sexy, and he thinks the only way that Phoebe’s going to let him touch his mouth on hers is if he fills it full of molten dairy product and breathes on her. This game needs work. Especially as it’s called “flirty fondue”. Is cheese breath ever sexy? Lucy doesn’t think so, muttering: “It’s a s**t game”.

She’s right, but as Jamie keeps saying in forced, urgent voice: “it’s just a game and we’re all having fun”. Unless, of course, you’re lactose intolerant.

The cheese moment has yet to come. But, y'know, thought you'd like to see this

 

But the sexy-cheese-game does nothing to calm the situation, because Olivia has taken off her bra and is ready to fight. She wants to confront notorious boyfriend-stealer Lucy about the texts she found on her ex-boyfriend’s phone, so Lucy really calms the situation down by telling Olivia it wasn’t just texts, it was real life sexy sex with their sex parts, together, naked. Olivia, surprisingly, is upset.

“Are you kidding me right now?” she asks. People from Chelsea are not very good at recognising jokes. That’s what we’ve learnt from this week.

Back in London, Jamie’s about to drop a massive, brunette bombshell: he’s got a secret girlfriend called Tara, who he’s been seeing for “a while” but hasn’t mentioned for two episodes. Oh, y’know, they’re not that serious, they’ve only been to Barbados together. Posh people go to the Caribbean all the time, though â€" so it’s a bit like popping to All Bar One for three wines.

Even more exciting news: getting rejected by Phoebe has made Jamie realise he wants to commit to Tara. “I didn’t want to flirt with anyone anymore, I missed you,” says Jamie, fresh from an entire weekend of flirting with everyone.

News travels fast, as seconds later, Spencer (who’s just downstairs) adds: “It’s weird seeing Jamie with a full on girlfriend.”

Hang on, was Spencer, now he’s not going his own girlfriend around to torment, watching through Jamie’s door? Sinister.

Most hypocritical moment of the week:

Spencer telling Josh: “Girls are like Jamie’s kryptonite. He just can’t help himself.”

Spencer, are you joking? Oh, probably not …