From naked dances to naked flames: What we learnt from an eventful week in Corrie

From naked dances to naked flames: What we learnt from an eventful week in Corrie

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Warning: Spoilers contained within

So then, that was FIRE WEEK.

But this is the amazing thing about Corrie: the whole time that the fire was claiming its Cobbles victims (ToniwithanI had so obviously been brought in to bump up the death numbers, hadn’t she? Now that whole weird cupboard storyline makes sense), there was Kirsty, slowly losing it in the background, just teeing us up nicely for the next big storyline.

And you know what? I might be looking forward to that one more because of my love for Natalie Gumede, and my love for the Kirsty/Tyrone/Fiz plotline and my slightly ‘meh’ attitude to a lot of the characters involved in the fire.

Sunita, meh.

Stella, meh.

Dev, something more irritated than meh.

I haven’t seen Mike Barnes that upset since Sarah’s parachute broke in Hollyoaks, but still - meh.

Onwards to the positives though, and as ever with these big plotlines, there was som e standout acting, with this week’s understated-but-genuine prize going to Eva.

Eva, with her surprise feminist leanings (“Always the woman’s fault...” she muttered during the Sunita and Karl chat. YES, EVA!), her way of making you dislike her and love her in equal measure, and her ‘This is a traumatic incident so I have just done my hair quickly, but actually this is my Sudden Trauma hairdo of choice because it well suits my face’ side plait.

She’s right, it was a really good side plait. Sensible and glamorous in equal measure. A feminist side plait, if you will. I side plait in solidarity, sister! Or, er, something I can pull off more.

I think it might be time to move on to this week’s Corrie lessons.

Dev doing grief is like seeing someone with the worst cold of all time, who is also in close proximity to a terrible stench

I don’t kn ow what I thought it would be like. In a way, I must have known. His reaction to low level news like the shop running out of beans involves such deep breathing, it’s often a concern that he may inhale Sophie Webster.

So with the realisation that he’s losing Sunita, Dev’s reactions were bound to become extreme. Wiping the snot on the sheet though... I could have lived without seeing that right on teatime, anyone else?

Can we also raise the point that if Sunita had been tempted by a hand squeeze at precisely the moment Dev did one of his gaspy breaths/nose wipes, she might have changed her mind, squeezed her eyes more tighly shut and thought ‘I like life and that, but sod it, it’s not worth listening to that noise. BYE WORLD.’

I don’t think we can rule out the idea that Sunita has just done a much better job than Joe McIntyre of faking her own death.

Stella and Jason: actually quite cute?

I never would have called it, but now it’s happened and... Okay, I’ll just say it. Is anyone else finding them quite believable as a pairing?

So that’s her love life sorted. Now if Stella could just have a strange reaction to her injuries, ie waking up with a Cockney accent (oh come on, they’d do it in Dallas â€" kind of a reverse Vicky from EastEnders?), I could start to make my peace with her, stop shouting GET OUT OF THE ROVERS, CINDY at the telly and move on.

Oh the sights that Gail’s full length puffa jacket has seen...

As it came round the corner into view of the Rovers burning, it didn’t even look shocked or concerned, despite the fact that it’s clearly highly flammable. But oh! Think of the things it’s seen.

The tram crash... Lewis’s trickery... It’s been there for Joe, faking his own death (how has that come up twice in one column?), and did it go underwater when Tricky Dickie drove them all into the canal? As items of clothing go, it’s as world weary as Bet Gilroy’s leopard coat. 

If you think someone has done something in Weatherfield, they almost definitely have not

Tyrone: did not hit Kirsty. Fiz: Did not falsely accuse Kirsty of her injuries. Jason: did not do dodgy wiring. Karl: did not do something heroic. Kirsty: Did not do basically anything she has ever said she did. Paul the fireman: did not sleep with ToniwithanI, who we may now rechristen ToniwithanRIP. If they could all just try and remember this for the next time someone believes someone to have done something... Come on writers, let’s mix those plot devices up now.

Just because the fire happened, it does not mean we can forget what happened before â€" ie the world’s most cringey strip

It wasn’t cringe-inducing because of the unlikely tubbiness of certain thrusting stars (I was expecting chiselled from Fountain, anyone else?), or becau se of dances that made me wince more than that bitchy one from B*Witched ‘telling it like it is’ on The Big Reunion. Or even because of the question on everyone’s lips: ‘Did they all arrange to wear the same pants, or are they sold in the corner shop?’.

It was cringey because of some really lame scripts. The audience reactions could have been Corrie gold, but it was left to odd lines here and there (“What’s that noise?” “It’s the sound of the menopause”), mostly from Norris, to save it from evoking a weak Sky 1 sitcom about a hen night.

Sky 1, that was not an idea.

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