Bobby's aching testicles, Gemma's far from A-OK hand gesture and 'Myleene dressed as a musketeer': What we learned from TOWIE

Bobby's aching testicles, Gemma's far from A-OK hand gesture and 'Myleene dressed as a musketeer': What we learned from TOWIE

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With Mario and Lucy the topic on nobody’s lips, the role of narky antagonist seems to have been passed onto Ricky and his puzzlingly enduring beef with Jasmin (he knew her back in school, you know) and her brother, who may or not be played by David Walliams.

All that needs to be noted is that Ricky has “no comment” on Danny. Apart from that "he’s a b*** e**".

Not that he was quite that vocal when Brentwood’s very own defender of the oppressed, Joey Essex, stepped up to have a monosyllabic word or two and wait for Ricky to blush about gobbing off â€" again â€" about Danny “proper piping up”.

Note to TV bosses, ‘Proper Piping Up’ sounds like a good name for an ITV2 version of Great British Bake Off, should you wish to go down the Food Glorious Food commissioning route.

With this worn out non-feud proving the stale bread to bookend the TOWIE sandwich, let’s have a closer look at the meat(head)y fillings…

1) We’ve already been treated to images of his fumblings up against the outside of a nightclub - but now we’ve all got a little bit more of an insight into Diags’ lovemaking prowess as he demonstrated his kissing technique.

There's nothing Diags loves more than a woman with an excessively-wide head

Not sure whether his full steam tongue action is more suitable for first base or advanced foreplay, but he’s not messing about.

After comparing snogging tips, how long before he, Arg and Tom go the whole hog and have a sleepover party with a Twilight marathon?

Having shed approximately four chins, Arg is now on the hunt for posho girls â€" and he has a "sophisticated, dapper" turtleneck and blazer look to help facilitate the toff-tupping.

Toffs love an ill-fitting turtleneck, true fact. In Arg's head

 

Call it what it is: an accidental sartorial Partridge.

2) The Pope reminded us what she used to do before taking on Kirk and a curiously Essex accent and got her kit off.

Busy

 

And in a neat thematic link to Sam, Billie and Joey’s trip to BQ for some mole repellent (at some point in the next decade, Billie may be trusted to nip out for some milk by herself), Lauren pointed out she HAD a mole.

Then Chloe and Frankie discussed having some dinner. The finest scripting that a structured reality TV soap can buy, right there.

3) Gemma proudly announced to Sam how she can resist wolfing down an entire plate of biscuits, thanks to her hypnotherapy.

Technically, it wasn’t specified whether they happened to be biscuits that she didn’t like. Didn’t seem to be any Hob Nobs on there, either â€" who can resist a nibble on a Hob Nob? Also not mentioned: whether it was 9am, or something.

Sam, as impressed as she possibly could be/do, knowingly recognised Gemma’s “subconscience” efforts… as she dunked a biccie right in Gem’s face.

4) Fancy dress time in the gym as new bloke #1 Dan underdressed for his workout with an industrial amount of beef dripping and new bloke #2 James came as Myleene disguised as a musketeer.

What, you want to see his face too?

 

Bit different from the time in the jungle shower

5) It may help strengthen her new antipathy towards biscuits, but Gemma’s positive reinforcement ‘A-OK’ hand gesture does have a couple of unfortunate resonances.

Aside from resembling that irksome ‘world’s smallest violin’ action (it is increasingly harder to care about anything she has to rant about), it also happens to be a signal representing ‘anus’ in certain parts of the world.

Not a particularly pleasant reminder of a biscuit’s journey through the digestive process.

6) Having got her episode’s-worth of penitence and humility out of way by apologising to her mum with a face that thundered how in the wrong she wasn’t, Gemma got back to normal barneying service as she wound up Bobby over his lack of professional party-planning qualifications. Sounds like a new racket Pippa Middleton could get in on.

Smiling through the goolie pain - and that haircut

 

As usual, the to-do featured some of the most vicious passive-aggression ever shown on TV (since Sunday’s episode), a few wonderfully nonsensical mixed metaphors and the distressing revelation of the strain such bawling was having on Bobby’s penis.

Here follows the words that cascaded out of his gobhole.

“The reason I fight with you or row with you so passionately is because I care. ‘Cause I know you've graced this planet for the last 32 years, I know you've got wisdom in that mind of yours. I absolutely know it.

“But I do think you've failed majorly at diplomacy class, at tact class. There's ways of saying things sometimes, and you're not the best at it. 

“There’s a way you can tart it up, you can butter it up. You know the saying, ‘You can roll a turd in diamonds but its still a turd?’

[She nods, as if that is indeed the saying]

“Sometimes just put that little bit of sugar icing on the top and make it a softer bl ow. Rather than ‘bang bang bang’ and I’m ko'd and I’m like ‘s*** the bed!’”

After some more bickering about a business plan and with nobody else in attendance giving a s*** - whether it be found in a bed or encrusted in gems - Bobby roared about how such a situation “boggled his mind”.

“My f****** c*** hurts from all this,” he added, as if his crotch picks up bad vibes in his boggled mind.

“Cuz you actually make my b******* ache, you really make my b*******  ache.”

Is that the sound of teeny violins? Stop that, Gemma!