Mariah Carey renews wedding vows for fourth time but I vow to marry my husband just once

Mariah Carey renews wedding vows for fourth time but I vow to marry my husband just once

Mariah Carey and her husband closed down Disneyland this week, to renew their wedding vows for the fourth time in five years.

She live-tweeted and live-Vined throughout the extravagant, princess-themed ceremony, but, somehow, none of that is my issue with this.

Renewing your vows is ridiculous, unless you’ve been married for a properly significant amount of time (say, 100 years) or one of you is no longer alive.

They last ’til death do you part, you see.

Let’s sidestep the whole protesting-too-much-ness, and the icky neediness â€" oh, and try not to notice just how well yearly renewals worked out for the other couple famous for them, Heidi Klum and Seal.

People are obviously still going to do this, so let’s try and get some use out of it.

As ­previously covered, your vows haven’t expired unless one of you has â€" so what’s the point in just saying the same ones over and over again?

When Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt got married (sob) the ceremony included personal details.

She promised to always make his favourite banana milkshake, he swore he’d split the ­difference on the thermostat. It’s all about the specifics.

So if you really must go down the renewing route, you should slip in some updated vows, taking into account everything you’ve learnt about being married since your debut wedding.

For example, if I dragged Mr H up the aisle again, I’d probably say something like this:

“I take you to be my husband, to have (the dishwasher emptied without an announcement that you’ve done it) and to hold (but not in public, or while Corrie’s on) from this day forward, for better Arsenal results, but definitely not for worse, for richer quantities of cups of tea being made for me, for poorer information about how many socks you’ve lost this week alone and your suspicions that I’ve hidden them, in sickness that is medically proven by a fully qualified d octor to not just be a hangover, and in health, to love and to cherish almost as much as my cat/s; from this day forward until death or Ryan Gosling do us part.”

In return, I’m sure I’d have to agree to some new terms too â€" which I assume would be along the lines of not always being such a perfect, dream wife because being as blissfully happy as I make Mr H can probably get a bit exhausting sometimes.

I just asked him for confirmation on this and I’ll let you know what he says, as soon as he stops laughing enough to speak.

 

Worst Mews EVER

I’M devastated to report that my beyond beloved little Weasel is no longer with me (although her spirit will live on forever, natch.)

We had 17 amazing years together and anyone who even thinks, let alone says, ‘tsk it’s just a cat’ is cruising for a bruising.

Bearing in mind that the Government decided to splash out millions for Maggie ­Thatcher’s funeral, I’ll be interested to find out what they’ve set aside for Weasel’s.

After all, she wasn’t polarising (everyone liked her), and she never closed a single mine or crippled any countries.

She’d also never have axed milk at school either â€" well, no feline would.

I am now, for the first time since I was five years old, utterly ­cat-less. My life has no meaning or purpose. This must be why people have kids.

Glass half-full of the week

“The best thing about being not overly attractive is that, as you age, you merely become less no t overly attractive.” Steve Carell

Earth-shattering celebrity bombshell of the week

“I love lamp.” Justin Bieber

Get over yourself of the week

Question: What is your most treasured possession?

Will.i.am: “My ideas.”