Made In Chelsea, episode five: Ollie’s got sex problems and Spencer takes Lucy on the BEST DATE EVER!

Made In Chelsea, episode five: Ollie’s got sex problems and Spencer takes Lucy on the BEST DATE EVER!

This week, the Chelsea crew go to a burlesque night so they can see a bum that’s not Jamie’s for once.

Is Lucy Watson the source of every single problem in Chelsea? It seems that way, and now Jamie will always have a reminder of that fateful hot tub kiss he STILL insists he doesn’t remember: that’s right, after a row with girlfriend Tara, he headed straight to the tattoo parlour to have … a weird blotchy figure permanently inked onto his bicep. “I was going to get Louise’s initials tattooed on me, it’s a good thing I didn’t,” Spencer tells Jamie.

Hang on, wasn’t Spencer really upset when Caggie came back from Australia with another man’s initial tattooed on HER?

Anyway, Spencer’s not here to talk about Jamie’s bad life decisions: he’s making some of his own! †œMate, in the interests of being best friends and all that, I’ve been er, texting Lucy,” he tells Jamie. “Lucy WATSON?” asks Jamie, as if Spencer’s also got Charlie’s Angels star Lucy Liu, former Xena Warrior Princess actress Lucy Lawless and The Office’s Lucy Davis saved in his iPhone. Jamie’s horrified, and immediately points out that if he got together with Lucy, “she would definitely not be invited over to movie night”. What? No! Be careful, Spencer!

Now Spencer's been texting Lucy...

 

Mark Francis and Victoria are at a flower arranging class, and they’re taking it very, very seriously. Mark muses: “There’s nothing more depressing than going to a dinner party and there are no flowers. Doesn’t it just kill you? I just want to leave.” Oh my god, we know! There’s nothing worse than that. Well apart from war, famine and not being invited to dinner parties in the first place because you left the last one at a run, screaming something about flowers.

“What kind of wedding do you think Millie will have?” asks Mark, speaking of the relationship that everyone else in Chelsea carefully avoids referencing. “A big fat gypsy one,” smirks Victoria. “With diamantes.” Diamante is “not OK” according to Mark, who adds: “Unless you have a family tiara, you don’t wear one.” Does anyone remember where they left their family tiara? Anyone?

If there’s one good thing about Jamie’s tattoo, it’s that it brings joy wherever it g oes. Everyone laughs at it, and Jamie’s laughing too. He won’t be laughing when it doesn’t wash off in the shower the next day, but at tonight’s Verbier reunion (held in the boy’s house) it’s all LOLZ and fondue. Jamie’s moaning about Tara not trusting him, completely ignoring the irony that last time he was eating fondue with Phoebe, he was inventing a game that involved her snogging him. Weirdly, nobody wants to play Flirty Fondue this time round …

Meanwhile, over at DSTRKT nightclub, Binky and Lucy are having a “girls night” which seems to involve standing in one spot, putting their arms in the air and thrusting their hips at each other. Almost as if he sensed that Lucy is drinking vodka and cranberry from what looks like a vase, Spencer arrives, trailed by a silent Josh, who is dressed as an American jock from an 80’s film. “We’re having a cheeky boys night,” Spencer adds by way of explanation.

Spencer wastes no time in asking out Lucy â€" which makes sense, as they’re both a bit evil, both a bit cheat-y, and both have real trouble expressing emotion. “I’ve always been somewhat attracted to you,” Spencer mumbles. “There are qualities in you that are attractive to me,” says Lucy. “There are many in you that are attractive to me,” replies Spencer. Come on you two, she’s already agreed that she’d like to snog you, let’s get a move on. Poor old Binky is probably having a really awkward chat with Josh at the bar.

And it’s only going to get more awkward for Binky, as she seems to be the go-to girl for everyone’s relationship problems. While shopping for er, fishing stuff with Ollie, she really goes straight to the issue of his problems with Ashley. “How’s the sex life? It’s not good, is it? It’s not? You just don’t dig her! You don’t. I know you pretty well. You don’t,” she decides, miming yet more crotch thrusting in case Ollie’s forgotten what sex is. Olli e looks like he’s in pain.

But Binky’s work isn’t done yet: she also has to break it to Louise that Spencer’s taking Lucy out, for supper. The poshest meal of them all. Louise is crying before she even takes off her coat, and this is because (as Spencer keeps telling everyone), they’re still having sex. What Louise really needs is Proudlock, who, with the air of someone who has expensive shoes to design and just wants his mates to stop turning up at his office with their relationship problems, tells Spencer: “You’ve lied to Louise and admitted that you slept with someone in her bed, the least you could do is forgive her for this lie and move on,” adding: “Do you really like Lucy Watson or are you doing it to get back at Louise?” His wise words are lost on Spencer, obviously.

Fran’s having a party at a burlesque club, and this clearly gives everyone the horn because there is a lot of sex talk going down. Proudlock’s flirting with Phoebe (W HAT? Yes.) and Ollie can’t stop talking about how bad he is in bed. “I’ve never been sh***er,” he tells Oscar, who smiles like the pervy vampire we secretly suspect he is. “I have no particular libido right now,” Ollie adds, and for some reason Oscar decides to stick around and watch Ashley and Ollie talk about their sex life.

Andy is all about respect

 

On another table in the burlesque club (why are they all sitting separately?) Andy and Louise are whispering about Spencer. “You don’t want to piss Spencer off,” says Louise. “It’s a respect thing,” Andy replies. Is it Andy? Because it seems like Spencer would step over your dead body to get off with a girl, and he had SEX with someone in Louise’s bed so … he’s not THAT respectful, is he?

Louise wants to know if Andy and Fran are dating, because “I think Lucy’s a total bitch, and I don’t want people to think that of me.” WE LOVE THESE TWO AS A COUPLE. “We have been on a date but I don’t think it’s going anywh-OH HI FRAN!” Andy awkwardly replies. Oh NO, don’t spoil Fran’s birthday!

Now, we’re no fan of Spencer â€" he’s mean, he looks like a fat bear in some of his coats, he’s a cheat and he goes all red when he shouts at people â€" but he does take Lucy on an amazing date. He picks her up in a Bentley, but he’s no t driving, because driving yourself is gross, and everyone’s drunk all the time in Chelsea.

MIC'S resident love rat Spencer

And he’s got all the lines to draw poor stupid Lucy in too â€" telling her: “I am so open. I’ll tell most people most things. I used to be a really nice bloke. I feel like I’ve been darkened, with time.” Lucy’s smug, champagne-filled face looks like she thinks she can make Spencer light again, but surely they’ll just bring out the worst in each other?

Just as we’re thinking “where’s this bloody supper then, Spenny?” he asks her to lunch the next day. “Come to my favourite restaurant,” he asks her. “We’ll have to leave early.” Well, traffic is a nightmare on the King’s Road. Where is it, Wembley? Stockwell? Not all the way over in Shoreditch? Nope. Paris. Suddenly, we’re onboard with Spencer again. He can cheat on us as many times as he likes, parade a whole carnival of girls through our bed, because they’re going to lunch in FRANCE!

Forward- thinker of the week: Andy Jordan!

“Last time we came here, you brutally dumped me before I even ordered my food, so this time I ordered the food before you arrived” â€" Andy, to Lucy, in Beach Blanket Babylon.