Remember when X Factor first came along? It was brilliant because it was so simple.
Trilling hopefuls would file into a room that looked like the canteen of an abandoned Chechnyan rice pudding factory, before singing their hearts out to the panel of judges.
It was an informal, friendly environment and because the likes of Cowell, Walsh and Osbourne weren’t dressed up for a garden party at Buckingham Palace, it lent the show a cosy vibe.
There was something a bit ‘village fete’ about it all â€" you could imagine Sharon Osbourne selling home-made scones or tombola tickets from behind that desk.
Just like Britain in 2013, we were all in it together.
Over the years, however, things have changed. The show has become more about the judges and less about the stars.
At first, we had the grim-sounding ‘boot camp’, but then things changed, for the grander and fancier.
After the initial audition stage, the shortlisted candidates were shipped off to the judge’s houses .
It’s happening again this year , and the cribs are reportedly bigger and flashier than ever before.
Antigua. Southern France. Los Angeles. New York. It’s a long way to go to get your hopes and dreams shattered, but that’s not important.
These days, the judges’ round is all about bling-exposure and shining a light on what fame, fortune and some dubious taste in home furnishings can bring you.
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Will any X Factor winner ever achieve the same level of fame and status as the judges that will help to mould them?
To be honest, it’s incredibly unlikely.
Does Shayne Ward have a second home in Antigua? What about Steve Brookstein?
And what of 2007 winner Leon Jackson? How come no one can even remember who he is? What’s THAT all about?
As if visiting the swanky houses wasn’t already intimidating enough, the lucky hopefuls can expect to have to come face to face with one of their potential mentor’s mates as well.
It’s strongly rumoured that Olly Murs, Kelly Osbourne and Mary J. Blige will be among those buddying up with the starmakers this year, casting their critical eyes over the rough and ready contestants.
It’s a wonder some of the hopefuls don’t have panic attacks and throw themselves off the nearest balcony into a beautiful sun-kissed view.
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There’s no sign that the excesses of the judges’ houses round will be reined in any time soon â€" which could be very bad news indeed.
Producers will tire of showing off the lavish splendour that the likes of Walsh and Scherzinger like to wallow in during their days off.
More and more intimidation and humiliation of the contestants will surely come into play.
I say 'surely', but of course I mean 'hopefully'.
The judges round will inevitably become a blend of The Cube and the testicle-eating segments of I’m A Celebrity…
A 19-year-old warehouse assistant with a half-decent voice will no longer have to prove his worth by warbling a Damien Rice hit.
No â€" instead he’ll be playing for the chance to progress by being forced to pull ten live eels out of Sharon Osbourne’s jacuzzi, blindfolded and with his hands tied behind his back, using only his sense of touch and his teeth.
I, for one, cannot wait for this to happen.
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