Peter Andre, we need a word: ITV2 and your management team are the closest thing TV has to an axis of evil

Peter Andre, we need a word: ITV2 and your management team are the closest thing TV has to an axis of evil

I like Peter Andre, I really do. Only last week I was teaching the kids the words to Mysterious Girl in the car.

I’d also love it if he could somehow be reunited with Bubbler Ranx on the next series of The Big Reunion.

And it goes without saying that his introduction film and the subsequent ribbing it took from Ant and Dec will always be in the top 10 I’m A Celebrity moments of all time.

Yeah, he’s all right is Peter Andre. He’s a needy buffoon at times, for sure, but you can tell his heart is in the right place.

ITV2 and Peter Andre’s management team, though? The closest thing the television industry has to an axis of evil.

If you thought The Voice had gone a bit overboard with the dead relatives last Saturday you should see what they’re cooking up over at the latest run of Peter Andre: My Life.

Because despite their bold claims about “private time being more ­important than ever” they still thought nothing about shovin g the TV cameras back in his face FOUR WEEKS after his brother Andrew died of cancer. They may have exploited many aspects of Pete’s life in the past, including his ex-wife, his kids, his fans and his, ahem, viral ­meningitis, but this crossed the line.

Whatever happened to a private grief?

I mean, would it have hurt to keep the cameras packed away for a few more weeks?

Would the National TV Awards red carpet really have suffered if Pete hadn’t walked down it?

Would his meeting with a terminally ill fan have meant any less to her if she hadn’t had a camera crew and assorted hangers-on thrust in her face as well?

And more importantly, would his team have even run the risk of the beef drying out waiting for Pete to arrive if there hadn’t been the chance of a few minutes of weepy footage at that impromptu Sunday lunch party for him and his other brothers?

The sensible answer to any of these questions would be no. Sadly, the cynical a nswer would be yes. And cynicism seems to win every time for his team, who clearly believe that if they want his fans to carry on buying into â€" and from â€" Brand Andre, nothing can ever be ­considered off limits.

It’s a bizarre way to treat a grieving man and his family, of course.

I’m surprised they haven’t lasered “nothing is real unless it has been caught on camera” on to the insides of his eyelids.

And the saddest thing is that a small part of Pete must see it’s a bit off.

That’s perhaps why he felt the need to justify it all with this laughable ­explanation: “You can’t just have six months off. You’ll lose your job.”

Pete, mate. You took six years off in the late 90s. And you survived just fine.

PS. In the interests of balance I’m happy to report Pete still loves his kids.

I could sense you were worrying about that.

In dog daze after swoon in a mask

Shocking scenes last Thursday night a s Channel 4 showed footage of a bunch of sad middle-aged men huddled around a car in a state of heightened sexual arousal.

No, they hadn’t suddenly secured the rights to Top Gear. It was Dogging Tales, a documentary as disturbing as it was hilarious.

I don’t know about you but I always find it hard to gauge the depravity of a particular sexual practice when the person telling me about it is sitting there in an animal face mask eating KFC and drinking Tango.

Especially when they say things like “it’s been a bit up and down lately”.

Aside from Tango and Colonel Sanders, it was ­difficult to know who to feel most sorry for. Lynx and Joop, the dogging man’s fragrances of choice?

All those parents who presumably had to explain to their kids why the animal mask theme for their birthday party was suddenly off?

Holly Willoughby, left, who appeared in one advert break begging a mystery plumber to come and give her an emergency service?

No, it has to be the BBC.

Because after this documentary suggested 70% of lorry drivers were into dogging, the Beeb surely picked the wrong week to include this ­question on its new class survey: “Do you socialise with lorry drivers?”

Er, can you define socialise?

Graham Norton gets his best banter out

Can’t believe Graham Norton got away with an outrageous Oscar Pistorius gag on Friday night.

It was a top-quality return for his chat show though, with Olga Kurylenko, Gerard Butler and Tom Cruise on the sofa.

The best banter was when Olga joked she’d turn Graham straight to celebrate his birthday, with Gerard offering to turn him gay again afterwards. Tom Cruise didn’t get involved.

Sew strange

I can sort of see the appeal of BBC2’s new dressmaking show, The Great British Sewing Bee.

But when they mentioned making an A-line I’m sure I wasn’t the only viewer who was tempted to make a beeline. For the remote control.

Still, at least this show did inspire a great new tongue twister â€" go on, try repeating “pucker the fabric” a few times at top speed.

Plus, it was good to hear the lady from the W.I. confirm that “the bust line on a woman is a starting point”.

I’ll try that one out at my next HR tribunal.

Carr crash telly

Channel 4 did a pretty tidy job on the Grand National, but we ­probably could have done without so many spin-off shows.

Alan Carr’s ­Specstacular was a particular letdown, mainly because when C4 said he’d be doing something special for the National I assumed that meant he’d be running in it.

But it was also because one item on his show threw up this baffling conundrum...

March 2013 â€" Russell Brand ­highlights the dangers of addictions for Comic Relief.

April 2013 â€" Russell Brand openly encourages gambling for Channel 4.

Get rail, Jane

Loose Women legend Jane M cDonald says she tries to stop civilians sitting next to her on trains by building a barricade with her belongings.

Why don’t you just threaten to sing, Jane?

Suggestion box

This two-point plan for Have I Got News For You’s tired-looking team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, who appear to have switched to permanent autopilot:

1. Watch Richard Osman’s performance on last Friday’s show.

2. Be funny like him.

Catch up on Hy-Player

BBC1’s Not Going Out â€" The most fun anyone has had with a rabbit this side of an Ann Summers convention.

Fox UK’s The Walking Dead â€" The scariest encounter with the living dead this side of The Jeremy Kyle Show green room.

BBC2’s Hillsborough documentary Never Forgotten â€" As shocking and heartbreaking as it was uplifting.

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Back at Sky Atlantic’s fantasy drama Game Of Thrones, young King Joffrey declared that women should do whatever their men tel l them to do and that homosexuality should be punishable by death.

In other news, Joffrey has just been announced as the Tory candidate in the upcoming Seven Kingdoms by-election.

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Over at C4’s latest Alan Sugar rip-off, The Intern, the narrator announced: “Hilary Devey wants to kick down some doors.”

You can kick down as many as you like, Hils. Those shoulder pads are still not getting through.

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I bumped into Broadchurch’s brooding detective David Tennant in my local Mothercare on Saturday.

Of course I asked him if he knows what happens at the end. He said, “You just go to the till and pay.” NB. Only certain aspects of this story are true.

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A suicidal man has revealed how watching Ricky Gervais’s The Office persuaded him life was worth living. Good job he didn’t watch Derek instead.

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Genuine comedy query. With news Paddy McGuinness’s wife is expect ing twins does it mean he’ll soon have more children than hit TV shows? And, indeed, jokes?

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Great to see Catchphrase back on Sunday. This was my highlight: The new host, Stephen Mulhern: “Why have you got a Fulham tattoo?”

Contestant: “I’m a massive Fulham fan.”

Mind if I say what I see, Stephen? A future for you on The One Show.