TOWIE catch up: Ricky Rayment's done wrong, Sam Faiers can't get rid of her ring and Ferne McCann can't get a ring on it

TOWIE catch up: Ricky Rayment's done wrong, Sam Faiers can't get rid of her ring and Ferne McCann can't get a ring on it

View gallery

• "
• "
• "
• "
• "
• "
• "
• "
• "
• "

View gallery  

There is more heartbreak in Wednesday night’s TOWIE than you’d get in a second hand game of Operation that had been used by anger management patients.

Jess is anxious about her impending move - she’s not sure cohabiting with Ricky is the smartest thing she can do, given all these cheating rumours.

“Everyone is just jealous, ignore them,” says Nanny Pat, comfortingly. It’s a stock response to a problem from an elderly relative.

“I just lost my job!” “Oh, because your boss was jealous of you.” “I’ve had a terrible hair cut!” “Ah, the stylist was jealous of you.” “BEEBS STUGED BE OD THE TOUGE!” “Jealous. Jealous bees.”

Next, it’s time for our token TOWIE trip to Ferne and Charlie’s nauseating nest of coupledom!

Ferne is cooing at Charlie from the comfort of a roll top bath, in nothing but a shower cap, like the Zooey Deschanel of the Lakeside circuit. They’re having a party to celebrate their ‘love’ - and the theme is “champagne and gold”.

“It just screams ‘us’.” beams Ferne. Woman, when your relationship personality is based on the Trump Tower, it’s time to get out of the bloody bath.

Dad-to-be Dan is thinking about calling his child Jackson, after the late, loved Michael. You hear the name Michael Jackson and think “kids”, so it sort of makes sense.

Dan plans to have a proper chat with Lucy later, and his thoughtful pals warn him to change out of his white shirt, as if Lucy carries a red wine grenade around with her at all times. Actually, that might not be such a crazy idea.

Meanwhile, Lucy is being comforted by lovely Lydia, who has returned. “I know it’s sad, but you hate children! Well, you don’t love them,” says Lydia tactfully.

“He’s obviously a bit stupid because he’s got a girl pregnant...why do you always get yourself in these pickles, Lucy?” She’s making Dan’s impending fatherhood sound a bit like the second act of a Carry On film where Sid James inevitably gets his willy stuck in a fence.

Sam has written Joey a letter, and because it’s very private and heartfelt, she reads it aloud to Billie. “Love always, your Mouse,” she finishes, “because he used to call me his mouse.” Thank goodness she filled us in, many of us were struggling.

“It’s quite light-hearted,” assesses Billie. “It’s not all doom and gloom.” If Sam’s letter were a Radio Four comedy drama, Bille would give it three stars and write a nice letter about it to Points of View.

In happier news, love’s tendrils appear to be unfurling and enveloping the deathlessly beautiful union of Abi and Diags. Diags has been told that he needs to be a “one man woman” - he’s a bit anxious about commitment.

Diags, who are the other women? Where are they? If you can show us one other woman to put her mouth where Abi has been putting hers, the viewers will give you a billion pounds. We can set up a Kickstarter for it.

'Ferne is cooing at Charlie from the comfort of a roll top bath, in nothing but a shower cap, like the Zooey Deschanel of the Lakeside circuit'

 

Elsewhere, Abi and Jasmin are planning a big entrance for Ferne and Charlie’s “not chavvy” party. “This dress is nice, because it’s white, with gold trimming,” says Jamin, for the benefit of all the viewers who can see her, in the white dress with gold trimming. Have the TOWIE team been told to add their own audio description? Will they start doing their own signage too, with a cast member heading to the bottom of the screen and making the episode accessible for the visually impaired?

TOWIE is a lot more like an Open University programme than people realise. But then, it’s also quite similar to Hollyoaks.

Unlike Sam’s letter, things become a bit “doom and gloom” when Jess’s Mum chats to Ricky. She asks him outright if he cheated.

“I”m a good person, I’m committed. You know how much I love her.” Yeah, he’s done something wrong.

Joey hasn’t read the note, but he’s excited about the party. “I’m going to the gol d party. I might dress all in gold,” he beams. It’s not clear if the two things are connected in his mind. Maybe, by pure coincidence, he had been looking at pictures of Shirley Eaton on the internet and fancied being all shiny.

Jess is conflicted, and Arg has turned up to put a good word in for Ricky - he’s not sure the rumour has come from a legitimate source. “Mario can be a bit nasty sometimes,” he explains, which is a little like pitching up at a funeral home, walking up to anyone with puffy eyes and saying “you must feel really sad”.

Jess is...many things. “I’m strong, I’m upset, I’m confused.” she explains. YEAH you’re confused.

Ferne is holding court at the hairdressers, and making remarks about certain celebrities, “I absolutely hate Miley Cyrus’ hair,” she sneers, glancing around the salon as if Miley might walk in any minute, begging for barnet advice.

She tells an anxious Sam not to worry, as she’s going t o wow Joey by walking into the party looking “Shi’ ho’.” Definitely not a chavvy gathering, then?

Ladies wot lunch with names that being with 'L': Lydia and Lucy

 

Slimy James sulks because Dan is bailing on the gold gathering to have a heart to heart with Lucy. But the confrontation goes surprisingly well. “You’ve got a baby, that’s the main thing here,” says Lucy, showing that she’s good at remembering facts and events from episodes past.

Still, she has her head screwed on - and as she says, the heartbreaking thing is that Dan is grown up enough to stick around and be a Dad. There’s a horrible irony in the fact that Dan is making Lucy sad because he’s a good person - unlike anyone else she’s ever been out with.

At the party, Lauren makes the most brilliantly witty observation of her life - that Arg’s golden shirt looks like a device for conveying Ferrero Rocher. Ferne describes the Joey and Sam sitch as being “literally like the Capulets and the Montagues” - if that’s the case, Ferne is the really annoying nurse who bumbles about saying inappropriate things.

We see some topless, shimmery men, Diags dances at Abi like a man having an asthma attack and Arg approaches Mario about the rumours. “With you, I knew you were cheating all day, but with him I don’t feel it as much.” Arg has a spooky sixth sense for infidelity - perhaps it’s linked to pastry consumption in some way.

Mario hasn’t lied - he’s just gone out of his way to destroy other people’s lives and happiness, which is much worse. “Jess has slated me to the ground. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t give a f*** about Jess,” he rejoins.

Yes, Mario, and WHY did Jess slate you? Because you cheated. She wasn’t being nasty for no reason - you hurt her friend. So you hurt her in order to be nasty for no reason. Real classy.

Ferne gathers everyone together, perhaps to inspect their ‘ball gowns’, and starts a countdown. Ah, this is when Charlie is going to propose! But he doesn’t. Sorry Ferne.

“I want us all to party!” she says gamely, seconds before gold streamers explode from the ceiling.

Later, romantic Charlie tells Ferne how beautiful she looks. “Yeah, you’re definitely punching,” she replies. Is Charlie punching above his weight? One thing’s for sure - their relationship has reached that glorious stage at which Ferne is going to withhold all sexual favours and kindness until her left hand is weighed down by the biggest piece in the H Samuel window.

She needs to talk to Sam, who is trying to give her ring back to Joey. Joey doesn’t want it. “I bought it for you because I love you. I’ll never stop loving you,” says our favourite monkeyphobe, before they hug. Are we out of Kleenex? Could you pass me a tea towel? There’s, er, something in my eye. Probably a bee.

It gets worse. Ricky tells Jess everything - well, he doesn’t remember when he cheated or who he cheated with, but other than that, everything. So far, so sad...bu t then he says “I could sit here and deny it all, but I’m TELLING THE TRUTH! I’m not a cheater!” Nothing more endearing than a person who does the minimum amount in terms of basic human decency and then demands to be rewarded for it with love and cash prizes.

Also, cheating...how can we put this. Liking mushrooms might not make you a vegetarian, but kicking a puppy will have you permanently blacklisted by the RSPCA, even if it is ‘just one time’.

You’re a puppy kicker now, and Jess won’t like that.

Next time!

Jasmin goes to the park, commenting “It’s nice here...quite green. I can see trees and benches, and a load of dogs.”

Arg is flown out to Hollywood as a consultant for Us Weekly, because as a kind of relationship psychic, only he can confirm whether or not the Brangelina cheating rumours are true.

Miley Cyrus comes to TOWIE, wearing a big hat, and begs Ferne for some hair help.