Drinking, dressing gowns, and Deirdre's nicotine eye-patch: What we learnt from Corrie this week

Drinking, dressing gowns, and Deirdre's nicotine eye-patch: What we learnt from Corrie this week

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WARNING: Contains spoilers

So that’s that then. Tina has given back baby Jake and Izzy and Gary are now his parents, but don’t worry, because they’re being subtle about their joy.

“We’re just having a night in before Jake comes home!” shouted Gary at a grimacing Tina across the bar, offering her a drink as though she’s going to say yes to a gin and then propose a toast.

“To the baby that was mine until yesterday but who is now yours. Cheers! Now let’s party!”

Every time Tina turns around they’re there, telling her that they can never repay her for what she’s done (relocating your celebratory boozing to the Weathy Arms might be a start) and how grateful they are and offering her yet another drink.

Somehow I suspect that when Tina finally says yes to that drink - possibly at the 80th offering, which can’t be far off -  it might be a b ucket of beer, which she might pour all over Gary’s head, with a large chaser of vodka, which she will neck very, very fast .

On to this week’s Corrie lessons...

The Red Rec at night is quite romantic really

“Ee, you don’t ‘alf see some sights on the Red Reck,” says Deirdre.

Oh I bet she does, and I tell you what, if Deirdre had met any other sleepwalkers apart from Roy while she was out walking Eccles, things could have ended very differently. And that dressing gown tie might not have been on so tightly, if you know what I’m saying. Which let’s face it, you probably do, because it’s not like I’m talking in code here.

For a minute I thought it was Round Two

I saw Deirdre coming out of the house in the dark (bit late for a walk, that, Deirdre), and Dev hanging about on the street, and what with Sunita and Ken g one I thought... Oh god, it’s taken years to erase that memory, and now it’s back.

I’m so sorry.

Mandy is back, but there is some good news

Writers appear to not be letting her speak. Works for me!

David is Lewis Archer’s love-child

Now long-term readers of the column know that being from the North-West I have a big issue with the fact Martin Platt can’t jump in the car from Liverpool to see his son David in Weatherfield.

It’s really not far! You could have a stop off in St Helens! Unless... unless it’s because... no, it can’t be... But all the signs point... Ok, fine, I’m putting it out there: did Gail secretly meet Lewis Archer years ago and is he David’s real dad?

All this plotting, and sowing seeds in people’s minds, and turning people against each other... it’s just classic Lewis Archer. And Martin Platt couldn’t empty a pint in the time it took Lewis to empty Gail’s bank account.

D ad David might be Martin’s child, but Bad David? Oh he’s surely Lewis’s.

Nicotine patches work differently for different people

For Deirdre, that’s only if she puts them over her eyes to stop her finding her cigarettes. Look, if it works, it works, get her on the adverts.

Also of note from Deirdre this week: her completely ignoring Roy’s post-sleepwalk request for water, as though she only hears ‘brandy’ and ‘Merlot’ and the word ‘water’ just doesn’t compute for her.

Roy got his own water.

Leanne’s Battersby gene is still there

Sometimes I feel sad that we don’t get more fightiness from Leanne, and that she has become a bit of a blah character. I want Becky/ Kylie level feral, I want that stroppy face that her and Toyah pulled in the press shots when they first arrived on the street.

For now though I will make do with this cracker of a line aimed at Gail, who thinks her daughter-in-law is getting it on with Peter Barlow. “Just because the stereotype of a mother-in-law is of an interfering old bag, it doesn’t mean you have to live up to it.”

Somewhere, Les is supping a pint and going “That’s my girl, that is my girl .”

Norris isn’t actually very nice, is he?

I always think of him as well-intentioned, but d’you know what, I’m not so sure any more.

I’m not even talking about passing the Film Noir box set off as his own (the storyline was as juicy as it sounds, for those who missed it) or getting anxious over Dennis being left in charge of the aniseed balls (again...).

Or the way he’s blatantly more bothered about someone nicking his house off him than he is about Emily’s ankle (another one so gripping, the writers of Broadchurch could have learnt a thing or two).

But it was the way he muttered “You would say that” to Hayley when she told him to live and let live. Now you can mutter at Mary, and you ca n slag off Dennis, but do not attack my Hayley.

I feel as defensive as snarling, hissing Anna when Tracy laughed at Roy. “He’s MY friend,” she said, shooting one of those looks that she was flashing at Tina last week, and even Tracy Barlow looked a little bit scared.

When TV worlds collide, I find it hard to compute

“I’m all for a will they-won’t they but this is worse than Ross and Rachel,” said Tina to Izzy, and my brain combusted, because Friends is on the other channel just after Corrie finishes â€" I know, because I’m getting the remote ready â€" and Tina, in Corrie, is talking about it, as though she were a real person who watched telly, like I am.

Did that make sense? No? Well NOTHING DOES any more, since people in Corrie watched Friends, so there you go.

Click here to check out Caroline's previous, ace columns ab out Corrie