Made in Chelsea: Louise is turning into Spencer, Andy's turning into Louise and Lucy is no longer the "slutty one"

Made in Chelsea: Louise is turning into Spencer, Andy's turning into Louise and Lucy is no longer the "slutty one"

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Too often, it seems like the Made in Chelsea cast are just wasting their time swapping partners, walking their ridiculous dogs and drinking posh Bloody Marys, but you forget: they all have jobs! Well, they have offices and that’s almost the same thing.

Jamie’s office is all pink, like a teen girl’s bedroom, and he’s so busy, Francis has to bring him in his packed lunch and listen to his moaning about Spencer and Lucy.

“He says he loves her!” Jamie gasps. “I don’t like the word love being used so irrationally because when you do have it, it’s amazing,” says Francis.

“Thanks for my sandwich, I love you!” replies Jamie. The sandwich did have avocado in, to be fair …

Meanwhile, Binky’s mum is back, and we can only guess her job is a er, champagne taster? “It’s never the wrong time to drink champagne,” says Mummy Binky, who’s clearly never had to giv e a urine sample at the doctor’s.

Permanent gatecrasher Spencer arrives, telling Jenny (yes, he calls Binky’s mum Jenny, not Mrs Felstead, which says a lot about him) “you look marvellous”.

“You’re full of shit,” she replies. Never a truer word has been spoken. Spencer’s annoyed that Andy hasn’t invited him and Lucy to Louise’s surprise pardy, calling it “childish”. Surprise! Here are two people you hate, welcome back to Chelsea!

At Louise’s pardy, all her friends are waiting to welcome her back from Edinburgh. “I hate surprises,” she tells the group. Oh. Right then. Louise has been studying geography, so let’s hope she doesn't get drunk and break it to Mark Francis that there are other places outside Chelsea. He might get upset.

Cheska has a new best friend â€" Fran’s now replaced Ashley. Hang on, where is Ashley? Last we heard she was dating Josh, and we haven’t seen him in weeks. Has anyone checked he’s not tie d to a bed somewhere while Ashley chants “Be more like Ollie! Why won’t your hair grow?”

Cheska’s new friendship with Fran is a bit confusing â€" until we realise she’s been recruited in the same way as all of Cheska’s NBFs: she’s had sex with Ollie, something Fran describes as an “incident”, like something you’d put a tent over and call in forensics to try and work out why it happened.

Cheska’s also taken up do-ga, which is yoga for dogs. A fierce rebuttal to anyone who says reality stars are doing nothing of value with their lives. It’s interesting though, as we find out that Rosie’s dog looks exactly like her, while Millie points out that Herbie, her dog, “kind of matches my outfit”.

Let’s all pity poor Stevie: not only does he have to live with Lucy Watson, but he’s kept up all night by her and Spencer, and then he has to review Spencer’s performance the next day on the sofa.

Plus Spencer’s wearing Stevie’s pants, which raises more questions than it answers. But Spencer’s being uncharacteristically nice to everyone, even offering Lucy his phone password. “I’m not interested in rooting through your things,” Lucy replies. That’s not the impression Stevie got, but let’s move on.

A terrible thing has happened: some genuine emotion has accidentally occurred on Made in Chelsea. A gutted Andy is seconds away from a dramatic cry, because Louise went to another man’s house last night, and she stayed and didn’t reply to any of Andy’s 651 texts, calls or emails.

Andy has become Louise, and Louise has become Spencer, which means Spencer has come full circle and … he’s Andy now? So who’s Lucy? Er, still Lucy: when she hears about Andy’s misery, she just sniffs that Louise is “replaceable”, like she’s a smashed mug or a misplaced iPhone.

And Louise really has turned into Spencer: when Andy confronts her, all sad eyes and popped collar, she co uldn’t care less about what she’s done.

“I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal about it,” she sighs. “I think it’s weird you’d even bring it up.” That’s right â€" Louise is saying “talking about her staying at another man’s house” in the same category as other weird things to bring up, like “why wasn’t Scream 3 as good as Scream 1” and “do you remember Gina G?”

She also claims: “I don’t get jealous … any more” â€" basically telling Andy she doesn’t care as much about him as she did about Spencer. “You shat all over our relationship,” says Andy, like he’s in a Shakespeare play or something.

Later, Jamie’s also throwing a surprise party, but the only person being surprised is his dad, who’ll return from a trip away to find 50 braying Chelsea residents trampling mud into his white carpets and spilling champagne and tears on the carpets.

Andy’s wearing his pain on his sleeve ... well, he ’s wearing a terrible orange shirt and his hair looks like it was styled by two fighting pigs rolled in butter. But don’t worry, even though his actual girlfriend Tara isn’t at the party, Jamie’s here with some menacing advice for his mate.

“If my girlfriend had lied about where she was going, spent the night with someone else and not contacted you, my opinion would be she’s dead to you.” Um, dead? Has anyone actually seen Tara in real life since episode two?

Well, good for Louise â€" she’s not dead, even though she might wish Lucy was. Lucy, seconds after telling Andy “I want you both to be happy”, hisses at Louise: “Now who’s the slutty one”, like it’s a title that only one person can hold at a time.

“I LOVE YOU”, says Andy, holding onto Louise by her fingers. “I love you,” says Louise, staring at the sofa cushion intently to avoid any eye contact. So … that’s sorted then? Probably fine, isn’t it? Fine. Just fine.

But we can’t let the world’s worst party end (everyone’s just sitting on their own, or texting by a fridge â€" even Alex Mittens Kittens has been relegated to background texting extra) without Spencer having the last word, because he wants to check “Louise is OK”.  “I’m really happy,” Louise insists. “Happy like when we were happy?” Spencer asks. “Yeah … “ replies Louise.

But, like the world’s glossiest Loose Women panel, Rosie and Millie don’t buy Louise’s claim.

“There’s no trust and no respect,” says Rosie. “I’ll be surprised if they last the summer, to be honest,” Millie replies. S

ee you soon for the massive break-up then, everyone.

Well, it can’t happen when they’re NOT on TV, can it?

But these things can...

Most Chelsea solution to a problem of the week:

Mark Francis on Glasto nbury: “That sounds horrific. Just get a flight out of there.”