TOWIE catch up: Sex tapes, boobs massages, shrinking boobs and Mario Falcone admits that he is a 'd*******'

TOWIE catch up: Sex tapes, boobs massages, shrinking boobs and Mario Falcone admits that he is a 'd*******'

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What’s the worst thing about the end of a love affair? Is it the loneliness, when you wake in the night and realise there’s no warm body beside you? Could it be the asphyxiating pain when you suddenly realise you’re surrounded by other couples, and the sight of two septuagenarians holding hands in the Greggs queue leaves you feeling like life is over and all hope is lost? Or maybe the frustration of dealing with a really awkward itchy spot on your back, all by yourself. For The Only Way is Essex's Sam Faiers, the hardest thing to deal with is physical.

“Since I’ve been single, my boobs have got smaller,” she wails to Ferne, mournful as a blues singer who has just finished the last of the bathtub bourbon.

Ferne is determined to make her relationship work - it might be making her miserable, but by God, her breasts shall not suffer. “Everything’s alright with me and Cha rlie,” she claims, using the same tone a newly qualified carpenter might employ when explaining that the shelves were supposed to be a bit diagonal. Sam urges her to nip things in the bud. “I didn’t, and look what happened,” she explains glumly. “Yeah, now you’re ringless,” commiserates Ferne, as if the worst effect of a destructive and damaging relationship is a loss of significant jewellery.

Joey has bigger things to complain about. He’s finding it difficult to think of a costume for the upcoming Michael Jackson themed party, even though it has the clearest dress concept of any party that has ever been hosted in Essex. “Everyone’s going to look the same! How will we know who is who?” complains Charlie, as if it would be impossible to tell Joey and Arg apart if they were both dressed as Michael Jackson.

D.I.S.R.E.S.P.E.C.T ful, apparently

 

Lucy Meck is preparing herself for an upcoming summit with Mario and Bentley. “It’s weird, it’s the one thing that hurts the most,” she muses, reflecting on the fact that Mario has been tweeting pictures of Bentley with strange ladies. “You’d think it would be the thousands of times he’s cheated on me.” Yeah - at least Mario didn’t put that on Instagram. Maybe he’s slightly more decent than we thought. Still, Lucy still has custody of Lola, who snarls and bites when Mario’s name is mentioned, and looks like she might start foaming at the mouth when Ricky arrives to take Jess to a spa. Nothing says “I’m sorry I got touched up by other people” than allowing a pair of strangers to go to town on you for a couples’ massage.

The summit does not go well. Lucy meets Mario on a bench, where they manage to be civil to each other for precisely seven seconds until they start screa ming quite a lot, interrogating what it means to be "disrespectful".

“You’re a joke! A f******* joke! Are you f****** joking?” Guys, this isn’t fair on Bentley! He’s a tiny dog - think about what percentage of him is ear. You’re putting him through aural hell.

In a display not seen on a mainstream channel since they cancelled Eurotrash, Frankie is having her breasts massaged. “I don’t know where to look!” wails Lauren, which is odd, given we’re only seeing about five per cent more boob than we do in any other scene of TOWIE. Why is Frankie being fondled? Apparently, she has no feeling in her left breast, and she’s trying to improve circulation. “Yeah, that happens,” commiserates Lauren, as if it’s completely acceptable to lose all sensation in half of your secondary sexual organs in a bid to be more sexy. Bored of watching Frankie’s bazooka ballet, she gives Chloe a call at her new job. Which is really an internship, much to the reli ef of anyone who feared Chloe would be rewarded with a paying gig at a news outlet when she doesn’t watch the news.

Frankie's got her knockers etc

 

Chloe admits that she isn’t having cosy chats with Karl Lagerfeld just yet - she’s being made to ring potential advertisers. “That sounds soooo interesting. Are there any hot guys there?” drawls Lauren, as if a local magazine would keep a cache of semi naked male models in a cupboard, for emergencies. “No, that’s not on my list of duties,” mutters Chloe, missing all sarcasm. And then she gets a phone call berating her for taking a personal call.  She already has the weary, defensive low level misery face of a hardened intern, and she’s only been there for two hours.

Charlie is continuing his campaign to psychologically destroy Ferne. Can we even remember what Ferne said or did to Joey? Joey almost certainly doesn’t. But Charlie’s on a mission. “You’re acting ridiculous. The girl that I know wouldn’t do that to me. Stop bringing Chloe into it. You don’t need to share your opinion with everyone. No-one cares.” Ferne, GET OUT. Don’t st op to pick up your handbag - your relationship is a burning building, and the smoke is already filling up your lungs. Leave Dan to become a sociopathic boy barbecue.

Nice Charlie is struggling with his party prep. He’s thrilled to be celebrating the memory of his idol, but “it’s a bittersweet time - it’s four years this month since he died.” He says it with such tenderness that it takes a while to realise he’s not talking about a family member or beloved pet. Still, Charlie’s not too sad to try out the moves. “You just literally...” he thrusts out a hip, sticks a hand behind his ear and shakes his crotch as if a wasp has just landed on his foreskin.

Arg has got the moves too - he pirouettes, bends his needs and finishes with an “Ooooh!” Oh, Arg. One day, someone will have a Dick Emery party and then your ship will come in. Joey is excited because he has learned that Michael Jackson had the very thing he aspires to own - Bubbles the monkey. â €œIn my lifetime, I will have a pet monkey. I will make sure of it.” Maybe work on extending your short term memory first, Joe.

Something about a sex tape...? Not involving both of these guys

 

Mario’s hair is getting higher again, which tends to happen when he’s talking to Little Chris about matters of “respect”. He doesn’t respect Dan, who is “so far up my arse that I don’t know where I end and he begins”. Mario, that sounds more like hemorrhoids. Get checked.

He’s upset because he’s heard that Dan and Lucy 'made a sex tape in Marbella'. A tape? On VHS? Dan brought one of those huge JVC recorders and set up a tripod? Oh, Dan. What’s wrong with Vine? “He’s as much of a dickhead if not more of a dickhead than me,” concludes Mario, in a rare moment of candour.

Joey might not yet have a monkey, but he does have the moves - and his spasming limbs are more Jacko than Jacko. In fact, he looks like the Thunderbird version of Michael Jackson. Arg does his best to keep up, but struggles, dancing like someone who doesn’t get out much and is struggling to remember how to wave down a bus. Joey is interrupted by Charlie, who forces him to have it out with Ferne even though no-one seems to care or remember why. Joey apologises with the grace of a 14 year old boy, and then accuses Ferne of having a brain “the size of a bean”. Hurrah for clearing the air.

Chris approaches Dan about the sex tape, and is told to “f*** off” by Oily James, which is Oily James’ most apt line of the series so far. An Michael Jackson impersonator arrives, and Joey is entranced when he’s followed by what is quite obviously a man in a monkey suit - who turns out to be Oily James. Arg and co are horrified that the “ice cream man” would take a dig at little Joey. If you are, to all intents and purposes, a grown man, and your friends are worried that the sight of someone in a monkey suit will distress you, you might need to sort yourself out.

Ricky is not making a success of the spa trip. “Hate me with hap piness! I’ll make you trust me!” he beams, as he starts to massage Jess. Bloody hell, you can’t take someone away to a spa and massage them yourself, you big cheapskate! What next? Acupuncture with drawing pins you brought from home? A Clearasil facial?

“This is weird” says Jess, wriggling away. “It’s OK, you don’t have to justify it!” says Ricky, who doesn’t know why Jess is upset - after all, he didn’t massage any of the girls he cheated with. What a nice guy.

Next time!

Arg’s seizure goes undetected as everyone around him assumes he’s doing his “Marbella Sessions” moves.

Chloe gets a written warning after forgetting to hose down the male model cupboard.

Mario reveals that the real reason he’s so upset about Dan and Lucy’s sex tape is that they taped over his recording of Beethoven II.