One Direction need to sort their hair out: What we learnt from Corrie this week

One Direction need to sort their hair out: What we learnt from Corrie this week

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WARNING: Contains spoilers

This is what we learnt from Corrie this week. ‘We’ learnt that ‘we’ are nearly the same age as NICK TILSLEY. Yes, Nick and I are actual peers.

Nick, who irons his waistcoat every day.

I am nearly the same age as Nick who irons his waistcoat every day.

There is little in soap that is as depressing or alarming as realising a character you think is old and boring is the same age as you and in the long and lonely minutes and hours since I discovered the information, my mind has been all over the place. I was even tempted to Google Leanne Battersby’s age. Surely I’m not older than Leanne Battersby?

She did bring back the ‘90s usage of the word not this week, which does sound like something I would do...

If thinking about your own soap age twins become too much, try and forget about it and we’ll get on with this week’s Corrie lessons...

Oh god, what about Fiz? How old is Fiz?

Gail has a secret admirer (well, a drunk one)

Now Gail is not a woman admired by many, but she is admired by Mary, and that is because despite having such a god awful track record with men, she gamely tries again, and again, and again, and one more time with her mum’s boyfriend, because maybe, just maybe, he’s the one.

“You might be bloodied and you might be bruised, but you will never give up,” Mary told her over 241 cocktails at student night (long story involving Anita from Hollyoaks as the obligatory Evil Journalist and David being the only man to use a phone box since 1998).

Gail looked almost pleased, but then that was before her multicream toilet cleaner spilled; you know, back when things were good.

Sometimes my pleas fall on deaf ears

Unfortunately Mandy has once again been allowed to speak. Sometimes it’s like I’m speaking to no-one here, you know, because what have I said about this? Mandy must not be allowed to speak!

I am choosing to be positive though (difficult, given the circumstances this week with mine and Nick Tilsley’s ages). I am choosing to view Mandy not as a character whose sole purpose is to make previously endearing and funny scenes (Steve and Lloyd doing Freud at the bar, anyone?) at once awkward and forced and boring, but to presume that scriptwriters are making her deliberately more hateful so we can lead into her exit storyline.

I’m not an unfair person, so I don’t even mind if she insists on speaking in the cab on the way to the airport. I can always mute because the end will be in sight and that’s the important thing.

Michelle has weird habits

Michelle, we now know, is a woman who goes shopping, comes home, takes the labels off her clothes, and then takes all her shopping back out to the pub to show it off to people.

Not wearing it either; still in the bags.

Michelle is odd.

They know how to waste food on this street

Now Ryan is a man who has been due to get his comeuppance for a long time. I was hoping for Michelle slinging him out and telling him he was no son of hers. Or him finding Katy in bed with a surprisingly muscly Chesney, who would recline back against the pillow in his pants and go “She just wanted free kebabs, Ryan, it was our plan all along” before standing up to show off even more six pack, and telling Ryan that he’s not a DJ, he’s just someone who can work an iPod.

Yeah, so that didn’t happen, but Katy did break up with Ryan using this killer line: “I am not bothered. And you can keep your stupid chips.”

A tad anticlimactic, though throwing food around is becoming a popular motif to demonstrate your feelings in Corrie (all in one portion of chips for momentary fury, peanut by peanut for deep-roote d misery).

Deirdre and Dev: Trust me, it’s on

As Eileen has been busy at counselling sessions and/ or protecting her racist boyfriend, her drinking partner Deirdre has been going solo on her Merlot, with Gloria approving of her hanging around the bar as “You never know when you might get lucky”.

Ken’s in Canada visiting Adam who has had a fall (*raises knowing eyebrow*) so Deirdre’s free to roam the street, especially the bit outside the corner shop where Dev hangs around the flowers.

I told you: all paths are leading to Deirdre and Dev.

Sinead v Katy: One wins for hairdos, one wins for aceness

Sinead likes gingers and thinks all of One Direction need to sort their hair out, and how can Chesney not love this woman ?

I love her, she’s my new favourite, and though I can see why Ches is captivated by Katy’s incredibly groomed eyebrows and lovely glossy hair, and Sinead doesn’t have a very good fring e, I think Ches does need to look beyond that.

Now, for the sake of Chesead (a fizzy drink or a theme park, maybe, but probably not working as a couple’s moniker) we have to hope Katy doesn’t follow Gloria’s advice, which is this: “When they’re punching above their weight, you’re in business. Treat them as mean as you like, they’ll still be there in the morning.”

Sal’s Dirty Dancing DVD is about to come out of the cupboard

Set the DVD player up Sal, light those candles and get rid of Soph for the night, because Tim The Bad Dad “loves watching movies in bed, me” and he is looking right at you when he says it.

This can be one of those scenes that happens off camera though, right? RIGHT? I’m going to need some confirmation.

Tune in for next week’s Corrie lessons!

Click here to check out Caroline's previous, ace colum ns about Corrie