Tabloid tales from LA LA Land: 3am's round-up of this week's US celeb mags

Tabloid tales from LA LA Land: 3am's round-up of this week's US celeb mags

Robert Pattinson is currently lurking around the stationery aisle of Morrisons and stocking up on pencil sharpeners in the shape of cats, according to magazines in the States anyway. They reckon that now Twilight is over, the vampire-a-like is going to be heading to university.  "Rob's seriously looking into UCLA business school so that he can stay in Hollywood and continue to act but he's also looking at other cities," reports the National Enquirer, after claiming that Robert is secretly stroking his stubble and imagining life as the Mr Burns of Hollywood. "He and Kristen both love the idea of focusing on small indie film projects while working toward their long-term goal of building a behind-the-scenes empire."

Which would make him an emperor. Which everybody knows is the second best title you can achieve in life after Viscount. So we'll  support him in his academic endeavours.

That, and try to enroll in the same classes.

He does have a few other things going on aside from choosing the perfect pencil case, though. US magazine reports that he's planning to work with Kristen again in the future. "He recognizes there's a certain screen magic when he and Kristen are together," their curiously-well-informed insider says. "Besides, there's less chance she'll get into trouble again."

And if she does, he'll just send her to detention. Or something.

 

Lindsay wouldn't wear dresses like this any more, which could be a good thing

Rex Features

Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan may or may not be considering a career in the porn industry, according to the National Enquirer (again). Apparently she's so desperate for money, she might, possibly, at some point, think about starring in a "self pleasuring" porn video. Unfortunately, just typing that sentence means that we're now "thinking about" starring in a self pleasuring porn video too. Which makes Lindsay's thoughts somewhat less than remarkable. But hey - it's a really, really slow news week. So we'll let that slide.

Oh, and apparently Lindsay's friends who she's DEFINITELY met before also had something to say on the subject:  "If she says yes, the footage will be offered to pay-per-view subscribers, and LiLo's friends say her back is against the wall," reports the magazine.

Our backs are against the back of our seats. In case you were wondering.

 

Brad doesn't want to watch Ange's sex tape. He's more into DVDs these days

Continuing in the vein of all things X-rated, Angelina Jolie's alleged sex tape is still being discussed by people like it's something new. According to, um, the National Enquirer, Brad is willing to fork out $ 10 million to protect the rumoured tape from emerging. And this time it could all be because Maddox knows what the internet is.

Of course, Maddox probably also knows who his mum is. But whatever.

"The alleged tape was made around the same time that a friend snapped kinky photos of a strung out looking Angelina," reports the magazine, sensitively. "Angelina was so whacked out on dope that she doesn't recall exactly what she did. But she believes that it may have involved "cutting" as well as racy sex."

Which sounds lovely.    

    

This is what a "frail, bitter" woman looks like, apparently

Splash News

And while you're picturing that, allow us to tell you about Katie Holmes and her reportedly "shocking meltdown". You know all of the pictures of Katie Holmes out and about in New York looking all pretty and perfect and quite happy with herself? Apparently they're lies. You may as well take a sharpie to your computer screen and draw moustaches on them. Or penises. Or just black squares. Because according to the very, very, very knowledgeable National Enquirer, the actress is actually turning into Liz Jones somebody entirely different.  "In a matter of months, sweet, outgoing Katie has turned into a frail, bitter, resentful woman," says the magazine's insider. "Katie expected that her divorce would be a rebirth. But it's beginning to feel more like a death sentence."

Unlike Tom Cruise, who is reportedly getting it on with a restaurant manager called Cynthia. 

According to US magazine, the actor went fo r dinner at the brilliantly named Beauty &  Essex restaurant last week, and spotted Cynthia from across the room. Probably because that's where she works. "Tom seemed to be on the prowl, mentioning there were a lot of beautiful ladies in the restaurant," says an insider, who was hiding behind a vase of flowers on Tom's table.

Conveniently, In Touch magazine had one of their spies hiding underneath the table. So they can corroborate vase-guy's tale. "Tom called Beauty & Essex at least twice trying to track down Cynthia â€" and was "put on hold for a very long time!" said their insider, who adds that when he couldn't get her on the phone, the insistent actor still managed to get a message to her. Less than 24 hours later, the pair reportedly met up at Le Baron night club, where Cynthia "huddled with Tom in a booth" when he wasn't pulling her out on the dance floor. "They did the salsa. He took her in his arms and spun her around the dance floor," says a witness who the magazine describes as flabbergasted. "Tom looked like a pro."

Which is quite flabbergasting, to be honest.

So apparently Johnny doesn't fly with Ryan Air

Getty Images

Tom isn't the only A lister who's allegedly been slumming it with muggles recently - according to Star magazine, Johnny Depp has been engaging in relations with his personal air hostess, Julie.

To get down to the nitty gritty of this, it's important that you gloss over the fact that Johnny Depp has a personal air hostess, and just dwell on what he may or may not be doing with her.

"Julie has been Johnny's private flight attendant for years," Star reports, after a photo emerged of the girl resting her hand on his arm as he boarded a plane. "She says they  have insane sexual chemistry and can't keep their hands off each other."      

Star apparently managed to get hold of Julie's sister, and interview her about her sibling's mile-high behaviour. Unfortunately she wasn't very forthcoming.

"Julie needs to tell the story of her relationship with Johnny herself," she said.

But a "nervous" Julie told Star: "I love my job. Someo ne took a picture that shouldn't have been taken!"

Which raises some awkward questions, really. Specifically, what Star was doing or saying to make their interview subject so openly unsure of herself.

We can't really top that news, but thankfully The Globe has done that for us, with the most appropriately timed and factually accurate article ever to be published within its pages.

 

The Globe has spies hiding in that Christmas tree over there

Entitled "Dying Queen gives William the throne: Camilla devastated as hubby loses Crown to his own son",  the magazine reports that our dear monarch isn't doing so well at the whole aging thing, and that - if you can completely forget her speech on Christmas Day, and every other one of her appearances over the last 60 years of her reign - she's actually apparently at death's door - presumably weakly bashing it down with her sceptre.

"You filled my last days with joy," an insider at The Globe claims the Queen told Kate, before alleging that "now the Queen is praying she can survive until the babies are born."

We're not sure if the Queen has a subscription to the The Globe. But we imagine that if she does, she probably also appreciated the picture of Tom Hanks using a cash machine. Putting an end to the rumours that celebrities actually just keep their millions hidden under their mattress.

Maybe Brit's breaking up with Jason because he has better hair than her

Back over in the States, US magazine reports that Britney is going to be kicked off the X Factor. And apparently it's all because she didn't shave her hair off live on air. "Simon wanted Crazy Britney," notes the source. "But he got boring Britney".

And that's not the only bad thing going on in Britney's life at the moment. Aside from her ex-husband's brother filing court papers accusing her of belittling his manparts, reports are also saying that her relationship with Jason Trawick could be on the rocks. "They are pulling away from each other," reports US magazine, who seem to imagine the popstar's love life is like a Stretch Armstrong. "Unless things change, they will split for good."

And In Touch seems to agree. "Tension between the pair has been brewing for months," claim their reporters. "Weeks ago, it got so bad that Britney left Jason and checked into a Hyatt near her home for a few days with he r boys, after what sources say was a bad fight. Though she returned,  she and Jason have "zero emotional connection""

Which sounds like the error message that comes upon our computer screens whenever we try to set up a new wireless Internet account. But whatever.

Kanye, Kim and Kim's mum, sitting in a tree...

SPLASH

In other news, Kanye West is reportedly giving Kim Kardashian an ultimatum for Christmas. Which, although rhyming with Aquascutum, might be the first non-designer gift she's ever received.

And apparently it's all because of Kim's mum, Kris. "Kris feels a certain sense of ownership over Kim's brand and who can blame her?" an insider tells OK!. "But Kanye can't stand it when she meddles in Kim's life, and especially in their relationship. When he and Kim get in a fight, Kris will actually call Kanye and tell him if she thinks he's being out of line."Poor Kim is stuck between a rock and hard place," alleges In Touch. "She's been begging Kanye not to make her choose between him and her mom but so far he's not backing down. She's so in love with Kanye but at the same time she's fiercely loyal to Kris. And while Kris wants Kim to be happy she's not going to let Kanye just push her out. It's getting pretty nasty."

We've always thought One Direction needed a mascot

SPLASH

And while you get your heads around that, Harry Styles is having to get his head around the fact that 23-year-old Taylor Swift apparently really, really wants kids soon.

"Taylor loves babies," an insider told OK! magazine while brushing their pet unicorn's mane with a comb, and adding that the pop singer is "really fascinated with the current baby boom hitting Hollywood".

"Taylor would like to have a child of her own while she's still in her 20s," elaborates the insider - pausing her conversation with the tooth fairy for the sake of journalism.

But apparently Harry doesn't feel quite the same way. "He's terrified, but trying to laugh it off," the insider adds, reaching up to pluck a piglet out of the sky and set him back down in his sty."Every time she goes ga-ga over a baby, he struggles not to flip out. There's no way he's even remotely interested in having a baby. He's a good 10 years away from something like that."